Matching with your surrogate is one of the most exciting parts of your surrogacy journey. Choosing the perfect match for you and your family can also raise many questions, however, which is why we wanted to chat some more with mom-to-be, Ashley. Ashley and her husband are expecting their first baby with the help of their long-distance surrogate this spring. While matching with a long-distance surrogate can come with unique challenges, it also has its perks! Here’s a few of the reasons their long-distance surrogate was a match, and why Ashley wouldn’t have it any other way:
When my husband and I started the surrogacy process, we were not really sure what expectations we should have as it was very new to us. All we knew for certain was that we wanted to find a surrogate who was totally open, honest and willing to be flexible and understanding. We also both felt it was very important for our surrogate to come from a nurturing home with a supportive and loving family. When we started working with ConceiveAbilities, we were told that matching with someone is like dating and when you know you know. That is exactly how it happened when we matched with our surrogate! The moment we hung up the phone, we knew what our expectations were and that she was everything we had hoped for. We learned that this whole experience is not only about our needs because it is our baby, but it is also about the gestational carrier’s needs which are just as important.
We got to know each other’s personalities fairly quickly, including how we each prefer to communicate and how often. We both work full time and have a mutual respect for each other's schedule, however, we always make time to discuss pertinent information and check in as often as possible.
I believe that the little bit of separation we have between Florida and Minnesota has, in fact, brought us closer together. Because of the distance, any time we catch up on FaceTime or over the phone, we try to truly live in the moment and appreciate the conversation that much more!
After we matched with our surrogate, I did have some reservations. I thought there would be no way we would be able to make this whole thing work while being so many miles apart. I very quickly learned, however, that distance literally plays no part in the grand scheme of things. Traveling to Minnesota has actually been a fun and exciting part of our journey! My husband and I had never visited the state before and we have been fully embracing the time we get to share in a new place with our superstar surrogate and her wonderful family.
The pros of being long-distance is that it forces you to be less controlling. I know that if our surrogate was local, I would feel the need to “check-in” often. With our situation, I don’t have the ability to do so and, honestly, it’s a blessing. I have also found that we cherish our relationship with our surrogate more, since our visits are limited. When we do see each other, we fully embrace the moment.
For me, the biggest con is feeling a little bit more disconnected to the actual pregnancy. Often, I wish I could see our surrogate more just so that we could experience the growth of her blossoming belly bump and have the opportunity to talk and sing to our baby boy while in utero. Another con is having to be okay with a birth plan that could change. It is logistically challenging to plan when you live in different states, even with a scheduled c-section. You have to have a backup plan and be on standby for the big day!
My husband and I have maintained an amazing relationship with our surrogate and mostly because we are on the same page. We know when we need to communicate and what about. We are both very understanding of each other’s expectations and respect the time, or lack thereof, that we have in our busy days.
There will always be pros and cons for being either long distance or nearby. Remember that. The priority should always be to just match with someone you feel truly connected to. As we have learned, the rest will fall into place.
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And, to take a look back at Ashley’s surrogacy journey, be sure to check out her previous features, My Surrogacy Journey Through a Global Pandemic, An Intended Parent's Surrogacy Journey, and My Surrogate Gave Me The Best Holiday Gift.