I Want to Be a Surrogate, but My Husband Isn't Fully Supportive. What Can I Do?
Talking to a Hesitant Husband
First, do your research. Having a solid understanding of the surrogacy process will help your partner appreciate how serious you are about the idea. Make sure your resources are providing accurate information. Reach out to an agency, like ConceiveAbilities, that can help to educate you.
Next, set aside a specific time to talk to your partner about being a surrogate, ideally a time and place with minimal distractions.
Start out by asking him to state his concerns and then hear him out. Listen to his reasons and don’t immediately dismiss them. Write them down so you can address them later.
Perhaps he’s worried about your health. Maybe he’s concerned about how your children might react to you being pregnant, especially if they are hoping for a sibling. Or maybe he’s worried about what your family and friends will say. It could be that he’s worried that you might feel attached to the baby. All of these concerns are valid. He may also come up with some illogical fears, which you shouldn’t simply discount.
Reassure him that you acknowledge that a surrogate pregnancy would indeed affect him and your family. It is truly a team effort, which is why it is so important to have your partner 100% on board. Make it clear that you cannot do this without his support.
Now it’s your turn. Tell him why you want to become a surrogate. If you are inspired by having seen someone else struggle with infertility, tell your partner about that person’s story. If you feel a calling to become a surrogate, describe how that feels and if you have been thinking about being a surrogate for a long time.
Additional Tips for Your Conversation
Although it’s likely not your primary motivation, share how the compensation might benefit your family. Maybe you can eliminate some debt or save for college. Perhaps it could be a down payment on a house or the means for a home improvement project.
Address the concerns your partner raised at the start of your conversation and tell him you’ll get back to him if there are any you can’t address right away.
Ask your partner to consider surrogacy again after this discussion and agree to meet in a week to discuss it again. Give him time. You may have been thinking about this for months, or even years. He may just have to catch up!
Want to read a true story about a husband's perspective during a surrogacy journey? Read Angel's journey here.
We also recommend reading Surrogacy's Silent Partner, an inspiring story from the surrogacy blog, Stories from the Stork, about all the quiet but impactful ways a partner can support a gestational carrier throughout her journey.